First Post / Why I am here

I maintain a livejournal but I felt like I wanted to branch out more and talk about things I find important. I think that I use livejournal more as a space to vent frustrations, talk with friends, and socialize with communities. I like it for what it is, but I've been burning to connect to others who are in the same state of mind as me.

This blog, first and foremost, is fat positive. That should go without saying, but I am going to put it out there. I don't have a strict plan of where this ship is going, but it will be a place I can talk about my "fat experience". My fat experience is not your fat experience, but I hope you enjoy the ride anyway. I won't tolerate hate, and I encourage discussion.

I am fortunate that I grew up in a family that did not force some sort of idea that I had to be thin to be of any self worth. I did, however, let other people around me, the media, and those I thought knew best, to warp my views on things. From the classmates that made fun of the fat kid to the skinny models you see all over, I felt like I was wrong and that I didnt fit in. Somehow, I came up with this distorted view of what I was supposed to be and look like. I believed it for years. I was trained to think that I was too fat, that I would never be skinny enough, and that I just wasn't worth a damn.

I have been up and down in my weight for years. From a size 7 to a 24, to be exact. When I was "considered skinny" I was never happy. There were still things wrong with me. I still was not good enough. It depressed me, I gained more weight. Lather, rinse, and repeat at least 5 times in my 25 years on this planet. When I was fat, I was embarrassed, depressed, and miserable. What a terrible life to live!

I woke up one day and realized that this cycle of hate was not a life I wanted to live. I can't put my finger on the exact moment a light bulb went off and I realized Im just fine who I am, but I know how I got there. It was about 3 years ago that I realized that I need to create the standard I live up to. I am in charge of my own destiny. Not the jerk that made fun of the fat kid in school, and certainly not the media. Sure, I may have stretch marks and a belly, but that doesnt make me any better or worse than a woman that wears a size 2. The fact is, the number on my clothing matters very little. It is not directly related to my IQ or what kind of person I am. It doesnt tell you if Im kind, and it will never tell you if I am having a good or bad day.

Life has been so much better since I opened my heart up to myself.