Monday, November 24, 2008

Reflection

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few months. It's been up and down for me. While I am generally happy with who I am, I am human. Sometimes I have days where I just don't like anyone or anything. That's ok. I do try to turn on the positive thinking when these days happen.

I've spent time thinking back to my "struggle". Growing up, my family never made me feel weird or out of place for being fat. I think that is one of the biggest things I love about my mom. She never made me feel weird or different. I know that I am lucky to not have family pressure. But oh, oh the peer pressure! I think that started from the first day I stepped foot into a classroom. At 4 years old, in pre-school, I was the cutest fat ballerina my mama had ever seen. Ok, I was probably the only fat ballerina my mother did see, but she and my grandmothers loved me all the same. I remember one day before dance practice, I tried to hold hands with one of the cute boys that I often played chase with on the playground. He uttered the first anti fat phrase I ever heard "don't touch me, you're fat!". The thing was, at the time, I don't really think I was aware of fat was. It never came up before, I'd never heard it before. None of the other kids I played with said it. I new fat was a "shape". I was 4, how could I really tell the difference? Matt, my playground love, was totally aware of the differences. It was all ok though, because Noah wanted to hold my hand. And off into the sunset Noah and I went, leaving Matt confused as to why anyone would actually touch the fat girl. At 4, fat was apparently like cooties.

In kindergarten, I made plenty of friends. I was also the girl that talked to the weird kid. I don't know, guess it was the way I was raised. I remember being painfully aware of the divide within the students. You had kids that were super neat, in the nicest clothes, and would only keep to their select group. Its funny how I can look back and see these groups developing. I was friends with the kids that actually played during recess, not the girls who stood around in dresses. Maybe I was more of a tomboy, but I think it was more about my mom and my friends mothers being practical. None of us ran around in Gap dresses or hoodies, "you'll ruin it or grow out of in 2 months!" my mother would say. She refused to buy expensive name brand stuff because kids play. Kids grow. I mean, it makes sense. We lived in a working class area, and you could clearly tell who the working class kids where vs the kids with parents that had extra money. I was friends with the other fat kids, the tall kid, the kid that ate paste. All unique. Like me.

It took a few more years before I realized being fat was a "problem". At the end of third grade and into fourth grade, I hit puberty before everyone one else, grew a few inches, and suddenly had breasts. I was the hit of third and fourth grade, and the attention I got was, at the time, flattering. People paid more attention to me, the boys talked to me. What I didn't realize at the time was that they were not really interested in "me", I was the same person I always was. This is when I remember really feeling disconnected and that people where judging me solely based on my body. It was depressing at the time, and I remember gaining weight. I got fat again, and the attention wore down. In 6th grade, my mom had decided to clean up our diet because my father had high blood pressure, diabetes, and a ton of other problems. The idea wasn'y really to loose weight, and I specifically recall that fact when my mom started buying light and fat free stuff. More fresh fruits and veggies. It wasn't as if we ate so terribly before, but my mother is an excellent cook and made many homestyle meals. Moms food was, and is, always clean your plate good. In eating light foods and just being active, I lost a lot of weight. It was also the height of the bodysuit days, and I bought many of them. I remember making fun of the fat girls who wore them because, well, you shouldn’t wear those kinds of things when you are fat! I quickly realized that fat = bad, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to be. Fat was terrible, nobody liked the fat people. I went through eating issues over the next few years, starving myself, refusing to eat meat, binging. I thought that I was only worthy of love, fun, and excitement if I was thin. I had friends, the cute boys talked to me, life was just right! I wasn't in that popular crowd, but I felt like I had a lot going for me.

A few years later, I got fat again. I went through a rough time at home, dealt with some abuse issues, and really just hid myself. I was that fat girl again, and the boys didn't really want to talk to me anymore. Then I met a boy, my first love, who thought I was just perfect as I was. He liked my curves, he liked my personality, he like ME for who I was. I loved this boy with all my heart and then some. He broke my heart, twice, and I really let that damage me and my self worth. One of the nastiest things he said to me after leaving me for another girl was that his "standards" changed, he now liked girls that didn't weigh anymore than 110-120 pounds. Ouch. The new girlfriend was slim, and he made sure to show that off to me 2 months after we broke up. On Valentines Day. At my place of employment. 2 years to the day we lost our virginity to each other. Nice, huh?

I dated after that, had 1 meaningful relationship that didn't work out because I was damaged and crazy, and other short term and on night relationships that only temporarily made me feel better. Sex and being sexy was a powerful tool because it made me feel desirable and wanted. To have someone lust over me was a close equivalent to being liked, accepted. The funny part is, sleeping with a guy rarely made him my boyfriend. I spent a few years in this downward spiral, coupled with drinking, drugs, and a whole bunch of self destruction. Oh I was miserable. To myself, to everyone around me. I think the final straw came when I thought I was seeing an older guy, having fun, and meeting up for sex. The sex was terrible, but I like him as a person. Until I found out he had a girlfriend and kid that he would never leave. And didn't understand why I wasn't cool with it. How does it go? Always the bridesmaid and never the bride? Try always the sex buddy and never the girlfriend.

Throughout this whole time, I dieted. Off and on. I did Weight Watchers, Atkins, plain ol calorie counting. I went to the gym, I took diet pills. I plotted my successes and failures in endless spreadsheets and computer programs. I did it all. And whatever I lost, always came back, and then some. I constantly felt like a failure. About 2 years ago, I think I really hit rock bottom with my self hate and self medicating. I stopped doing drugs years ago. I cut down on the drinking. The only think left for me to really deal with was how much I hated myself.

Being fat wasn't the only think I hated. I hated a lot of things. I was angry. I was angry at my dad for knocking me around for so many years. I was angry at my ex-boyfriend because he said he would love and protect me. The boyfriend that made me feel god about myself. I hated ways I had treated people, I hated a lot of decisions I made. I hated where my life was, who I was. I pushed a lot of people away, and I really felt alone. Then I met someone online. He made me feel so positive, that some of my feelings and ideas on how life should be were not crazy. I wasn't crazy. I think my online escapes with him allowed me to feel empowered to pick myself up and move on. Today, I really consider him one of my closest friends and my soul mate. Even though we have never met, he really inspired me. He still does. He listens when I need to vent, and I think we all need that. Reassurance that we are not crazy.

Over the course of my fat acceptance path, I've dealt with a lot of old wounds and feelings. I've had to face the fact that there are people out there with a low or bad perception of me because I made bad choices and decisions. And while apologies don't always make up for it, I have tried to extend apologies to some people. It really hasn't gotten me anywhere, but I think its allowed me to move on and not dwell on some of the stupid shit I've done. I've really had to let those feelings go, and it was hard. There is no magical way to explain how to do it, but I had to decided that I could either live in the now and tomorrow, or live in the past with all the mistakes I have made. Dwell on them, and beat myself up over and over. Slowly, I was able to live in the now, and look towards the future without getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about some bad decision I made 5 years ago. That's my first rule. Live in the now and tomorrow.

I think an important part of fat acceptance is really understanding what fat acceptance is. Its personal, its not the same way for everyone. It isn't just about being fat, its wanting to be treated equally and fairly. Its about not wanting to be judged on being fat. Its about being treated kindly because we are another human being. It means being free of assumptions and half truths. It means being judged less and loved more.


One of the most positive things I've ever done for myself is to read up on fat acceptance or how fat affects people. Reading the words from people like like Kate Harding, Joy Nash, Sandy Szwarc from Junk Food Science, Marilyn Wann, Kelly Bliss, and many others, have shown me the light. The problem isn't me, its everyone else who thinks there is something wrong with me.

There is no magical cure or way to accept yourself. I can tell you, for me, it was hard, and it took me almost 2 years to stand up and say Yea? I’m fat! What about it?

Life has been much better since.

 
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